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Monday, July 19, 2021

Python bites man on toilet

We all have been there. You need that few moments of piece and quiet so you go, as my daughter puts it, "to put some otters in the water." It is the refuge of moms from screaming kids, dads frfrom watching another epsiode of Jessi or Vampire Diaries, workers from their boss, teenagers from chores, and just about anyone at a family reunion.

So what do we do when the one place of solitude and peace becomes a potential place of death.

original source
That is right. Death. Or worse.... Just ask the 65 year old Austrian man who was bitten in the genitals by a python. According to reports he felt a "pinch" after sitting on the toilet. No, not that type of "pinch." Rather, the "a python just bit me nuggets" type pinch.

Apparently, the python was owned by his neighbor and had decided to take a cruise through the sewer pipe. Next thing you know, there is a 5' python squirming up through the toilet. 

This led me to consider two things. One, how often does this happen? I mean...  should I still sit down on the toilet?

And two, why is quicksand not such a big deal.

Considering my first concern, I googled what probably put me on some sort of watch list. "How often are people bit by snakes in the toilet."

The article that popped up was from the "plum bette." Cute name. She had done some research and offered up this tidbit:

original source here
A snake catcher from Queensland Wildlife Solutions told the Courier Mail he only retrieves 10 snakes a year from toilets, so it definitely happens but it’s not likely that every household in Brisbane or even Australia will experience a snake emerging from their toilet bowl. - Article here

What the hell!!! How many toilets is a plumber even working on in a year? If it is two a day and NEVER takes a holiday off that is still over a 1% chance. That means if you live in australia and poop daily you will do so three times when there has been a snake in your toilet!!!

Okay... Australia is a crazy place. But if a plumber there can have ten a year, then surely it happens in America. I texted my plumber friend.

"Hey man, random question. You ever see snakes in toilets."

"What? Why would you... I mean, yeah. And hot tubs."

"That is terrifying."

"Yeah, I poop standing up."

You have a 1 in 13,983,816 to win the lottery. You know what that means? It means if you have ever bought a lottery ticket thinking you might win, you also believe every time you sit on a toilet a python might nibble at your nethers

Which clearly leads me to point number two: quicksand.

When I was a kid we were still aloud to use the bathroom outside. Even encouraged. You would come to the door and your parent would say, "Stay out till dinner."

"But mom, I need to go #2"

"Figure it out. I'll ring a bell when you can come in."

Okay, so maybe not that harsh. But the point was we were free to go into the snake's homeland and use the bathroom. Perhaps that is why they now feel at home in our toilets? The sins of the fathers....

But I'm off track. The real point is that we weren't even looking for snakes. TV, comics, movies, and books taught us the real danger was quicksand. It was lurking everywhere and as soon as you stepped into it your life would be over unless someone nearby handed you a strong vine. There is always a strong vine hanging near quicksand. It is one way you can identify it.

On "How to Survive Quicksand" they list several easy steps. As a kid, I could have easily recited these.:

-1. Stop moving - Quicksand knows if you are scared. Stay still and play dead
-2. Lighten the load - Whatever famous jewel you just rescued - even if it is like 8 ounces - is the exact amount of weight you need to discard in order to survive.
-3. Grab something - like that vine. Just make sure it isn't a python.
-4. Wiggle your feet - Don't know what this does, but you are about to die so you ought to keep good circulation.
-5. Call for help

Christy's Blog Here
Ummmm.... In retrospect, maybe calling for help should be #1?

Here is a great video. My favorite part is where they remind you that wild animals love it when you fall in quicksand and become their snack.Oh, and your friend may rip you in half if they pull you out too fast.

I also found this blog - Christy's fantasy to die in quicksand. What? So that made me google if anyone with graphic novel talent has ever had a "get bit by a snake" fetish. Don't google that. Nor "Tennessee quicksand." Seriously. Don't. Because those google searches and the resulting flagging of your computer are much more likely to happen than your toilet sinking in quicksand while a python "pinches" you. Either way... turn on a light for that late night trip.

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