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Driving in Tennessee: Sleeping is the New Texting?

So I get it.  Tennessee has passed a law that as of July 1st, 2019 no one is allowed to have any cellular device in their hand while drivi...

Friday, October 23, 2020

The Last Presidential Debate and Unicorns at Sea

 


If you are the type of person who likes to say, "There is more chance of that happening than seeing a unicorn at sea," be ready to pony up whatever you wagered. 


I can see the discussion now:

Wife: Are you ever going to clean up your stuff in the basement?

Husband: Why?

Wife: SO we can build it out into a little apartment for family.

Husband: You mean like the kids who are over 18 and should be supporting themselves?

WIfe: And their kids. In case we need to raise our grandkids.

Husband: Yeah, I'll get to that when I see a unicorn saving lost children at sea.

Wife: Perfect, I'll call Junk King and have it cleaned out tomorrow.

Little Girl Lost at Sea Found Floating on a Unicorn

Newsweek only allows you four stories before a paid subscription, so you have to choose them carefully. I always look for cutting edge journalism filled with important issues that impact our daily lives. That is why it was a no brainer to read "Little Girl Lost at Sea Found Floating on a Unicorn."

A ferry (or was it a fairy...?) discovered the four year old drifting out in the middle of the gulf of Corinth. The boat first saw the dot on the horizon. The article is unclear what made them want to approach. I will assume the ferry captain has long desired to discover mythical sea creatures. Perhaps it is the very reason he sought out a career of water navigation.


Either way, the child was saved. Nothing has been said about the inflatable unicorn. Which does raise the question if it was an actual unicorn instead of an inflated raft. We may never know, but I think we have to be open to the possibility there is a covert group of colorful unicorns that scour the ocean to save the helpless and lost. It may be on the level of other famous conspiracies such as Watergate, Russiagate, Doritogate, Gamergate, Pizzagate, Tomatogate, Bingogate, Picklegate, or Lawngate (not as well known but just as important - we must discover what neighbor's dog is depositing its fecal matter on my lawn!).

LIST OF GATE SCANDALS



Which brings us to the real issue of the day, the need for a new environmental plan. Now that we have fairly reliable evidence of mythical rescue animals we should take Joe Biden's initiative to be fossil fuel free by 2025, Well, technically we will just stop fracking... which I am pretty sure is the SyFy chanel's substitute for a curse word... or a type of drilling using lots of water.  Either way, my '99 Ford Ranger is scared. In fact, this morning he had a fresh puddle of oil under him where he had a bit of an accident.

Of course, major businesses will need to spend billions to adjust and many small businesses will simply be unable to complete. That is okay because it will prevent them from having to raise all their employees wages to $15/hour or more. Good news - they will be able to turn in their entrepreneurial dreams for a raised minimum wage with socialized medical care. So that is a nice bonus. According to Biden, they can celebrate this at the dinner table while mourning the loss of a loved one (well... a loved one lost to Covid... not to a drug related crime).

Donald Trump Explains Why Lincoln Succeeded

For some this may be a confusing time and you are looking for someone to blame. I understand.

I would offer Trump who has helped absolutely no one... except maybe my monthly mortgage payment. It is well known that Trump has a bit of diarrhea of the mouth.  Normally he isn't saying much important, but  last night in the final debate he let an important fact slip. It was clear it was an overshare. And more so, a clue that I am sure may be burning up the dark web today: 

Donald Trump named Knight of Camelot by historic hotel | UK | News |  Express.co.uk

"What clue?" you say? Trump may be a reincarnation of Abraham Lincoln. He became quite flummoxed when Biden called him to task about being a King Arthur esque hero of old returned to save or damn us.

Joe Biden is 'basically the Loch Ness Monster' says Donald Trump Jr |  HeraldScotland

Like most conspiracies, we will likely never know for sure. But if you are on the high seas and sea Trump in a tall hat brandishing Excalibur on a colorful unicorn float be sure to document it with a picture. And please, for the love of all things conspiratorial do a better job snapping the picture than the guy who took that picture of Nessy.

Sean Spicer likens Donald Trump to a wondrous mythical creature -  MarketWatch

Donald Trump Jr. shares a bizarre photoshopped image of his father  shirtless carrying a shark | VozWire



Monday, October 5, 2020


JAM SESSIONS: Winner of Literary Titan's Gold Award for October, 2020!
Jam Sessions is a Gold Award Winner for the month of October


AND I'M ON LA RADIO THURSDAY, OCTOBER 8th! LISTEN HERE:


Also, check out my recent interview with South Australian Author, VK Tritschier on his website.


For those of you who believe in government conspiracies, alien robot vampires, and such... Here is the interview without having to go to "foreign soil" websites.

Jerry Harwood

Jerry creates his own worlds, but his focus instead of other worlds is on creating worlds that children can comprehend. His ability to bring story-telling and support for the younger generation was fascinating. So I was keen to hear how he did it.

What is the hardest part of writing stories for children?

I think the hardest part is being true to their dialogue and conversation. Children are smarter and have more insight than we often want to attribute to them. On the other side, they often have off-the-wall ideas. The two together can make a great book, but you have to be careful to keep dialogue something they would actually say.


Do you like to plot out your stories, or do you prefer to free-write?

I use James Scott Bell’s system. He terms it plotting by setting out signposts. So instead of a detailed plot outline, I outline the key intersections (he uses the analogy of signs on a highway for entrance and exit ramps). That way I always have a very set goal at the end and several small goals throughout the book to give it a three-act feel and proper pacing. However, I often free-write sign-post to sign-post. Sometimes that means editing the free-write, but it can also mean changing the signposts.


Your book 'Jam Sessions' discusses some very adult themes of mental health, how do you tackle them to make it easier for kids to understand?

Thank you for answering this question. My hope is that Jam Sessions is first and foremost a good story. I really tried to make it a fun read more than just sermon in fiction form. I never enjoy reading books that are just agenda and propaganda message thinly veiled in fiction. If I achieved my goal, Jam Session will read like a book about a middle school kid for middle school kids. I am very light on the family scenario that led the lead character to move schools. It is there, but not explicit. The bullying is there, but never so heavy that it darkens the tone of the story. Of course, Phillip discovers he has panic attacks, but he also has a friend who sings the youtube sensation duck and lemonade stand song. I spent time in the counseling world and wanted to be realistic about anxiety. The statistics say that anxiety is a significant problem among today’s tweens and teens. But my hope is that the book gives those struggling with it someone to identify with more than just a counseling lecture in book form.


What has been the highlight of being an author to date for you?

This may be silly, but for me, it was listening to my book on audible. That was so much cooler for me than it being in print. Donald Davidson did a fantastic job. 


Jerry loves to connect online. You can find him at: Website : http://www.jerryharwood.com

Blog: https://www.circumlocution.net

Amazon Author’s Page: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0863YPCD7

I hope you can take a moment to offer support for him by checking out his book, and I extend my thanks for being interviewed! 

 

Tuesday, September 29, 2020

3d Printed Chicken and other reasons to stock up on Haggis


 

Yes. It should have been the number one headline. It makes Russiacolusion look like kindergartners fighting over a jump rope. What I am about to tell you should be front of the news cycle. It wasn't, but that is how world domination by robots, terrorist organizations, and solvent green all come to pass. Slowly, the future creeps in one 3D printed chicken nugget at a time.



Yes, you read that correctly. KFC has announced that they will be 3D printing chicken nuggets.

When I heard, I of course suspected what any sensible American would suspect: A mass conspiracy. 

In the article I was sent by an insider in the news industry, which by that I mean he surfs the internet regularly, it clearly states that KFC has partnered with the Bio company 3D BioPrinting Solutions


KFC 3D Printing of Chicken Nuggets


In the article there was a link to the agreement between these two countries. Of course, the link was dead.



Now, you and I both know the link isn't dead. All the post meant is that they are on to me. My name is now on the KFC watch list. Just like Mike Myers was doomed to never make a good film after his declaration that the world was  run by the Rockefellers, the queen of England, and the Colonel.

So I Married an Axe Murder uncovers the KFC as one of the world's elite rulers.

Already being monitored by KFC secret agents, I pressed on. That is how important it is for me to bring you the important news of the day shuffled under the carpet by such things as BLM, elections, hurricanes, and Covid. These are all cover-ups. So I googled this supposed 3D Bioprinting. I learned three things:



1. The head doctor is also able to crush your skull if you cross him.


2. There may be rat parts in their 3D printing. Reminds me of Jurassic Park where they "3D printed" dinosaurs with spare parts from other animals.



3. While it is in Russian, it appears they plan to plant large red butterflies in everyone's esophagus to track and control our brains.


Oh, and just maybe they have mastered genetic bioprinting of vitally needed human organs that could result in surgical breakthroughs. And obviously, once you are done inventing replacement hearts and gallbladders your next quest is... Making 3D printable chicken nuggets.

To quote my source, "The research laboratory in Moscow will use both plant material and chicken cells to advance its additive bioprinting technology and produce a nugget that will closely replicate the taste, texture, and look of KFC’s original nuggets. While live animals will scarcely be used in the process, KFC will supply the lab with its seasoning and breading ingredients to attain the taste loved by so many."

So a non-chicken, chicken nugget. Memphis meats seek to also duplicate other animals. Which leads us to the essential question, "Will I still need my guns if I am hunting 3D printers instead of deer?"


And the answer is, Yes." If movies like Terminator have proven anything, it is we must fight back. Not a fighter? Then I suggest you begin preparing your palette for the rising black market meats such as chicken gizzards, cow tongue, and of course, the ever popular haggis.


What is haggis? Meat scraped off the floor and shoved in a sheep intestine of course. Why will it be the real meat of the future for those of us refusing the Colenal's recipe? Because it is so horrible not even Russian scientists can possible imitate it.



Good luck America. May you resist the addictive chemical in the chicken that makes you crave it nightly.




 

As the world opens back up there are lots of exciting opportunities ahead! I would love any of my readers in particular to join my guest appearance on Spilling Ink and make yourself known in the comment section! I am grateful that they have invited me back for a second podcast!

SPILLING INK: Saturday, October 3rd 6:30 EST!

YouTube

Facebook


I will also be on Going North Podcast on November 2nd, talking about my new release, Twelve Hours on the Block.  Look for a link coming soon!




Later in November, I will also be on WordPlay Podcast and sharing a recipe!




In addition, I am making plans to be at Con Nooga this year! I had opportunity to be at NextChapter Con recently and absolutely loved meeting readers!


I also am excited to have the following reviews posted for Jam Sessions!

INTERVIEW: JAM SESSIONS

Top Shelf 5 star review!



Thursday, September 24, 2020

Milk Chocolate and Chocolate Milk

 

With the presidential election just around the corner and the first debate to air next week, the country is in a stir. However, I have heard nothing about the key issues. Here I am defining key issues as "stuff I think about rather than politics." For one, I was completely dumbfounded yesterday when I opened the fridge to make my daughter some chocolate milk. I had one of those "I was this old when I realized" moments. Chocolate milk is really more milk than it is chocolate. I know this, because if I put too much chocolate in the milk my beautiful amazing wife tells me to stop. You would think that since chocolate is the first word, it would be the greater item in the mixture? And make matters worse, milk chocolate is more chocolate than milk?



I told this to my bride. She seemed more concerned about unimportant things like setting the table, closing the fridge, or starting dinner. Trivial matters in the light of my new revelation: The English language is weird.


For instance, I just typed "wierd" and autocorrect reminded me that it is "i" before "e" except after "c" unless it "aye" as in neighbor and weigh. Then there is the word "bow." Is it something you put in your hair, shoot a deer with, or a gesture to the king of England?

This led me to google search "English is hard." Here is what I discovered.









Although my favorite ones to be this one explaining how to spell fish as "ghoti."



So, why is this not a major concern? I've asked persons, mans, womans, childs, and even looked in several  dictionarys. While it appears that you make words plural by the simple addition of "s," it also seems there are many other possibilities.

Which brings me to my point. This next week shall see two intellectual giants take the stage in the first presidential debate. Masters of english parlance, scholars of the spoken word. We should expect diatribes, circumlocutions, palavers, and perhaps even some shakespearean wit. Or perhaps we will be entertained. I for one will try not to snort my milk chocolate. Oh, and I'll also remember to close the fridge.


PICK YOUR PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE!

Joe The Gaffe Biden          Donald "I Know Words" Trump




Tuesday, September 15, 2020

Twelve Hours on the Block Release Date!

 

PROMO VIDEO - You know you want to watch it!

Pre-Order Here!!

My novella is being released by Three Ravens Publishing! Super excited to be picked up by their publishing house!


This short novella merges the Aztec creation myth with a prison escape. It was a lot of fun to write as it fed both the nerd (who doesn't love the Aztecs! I mean... human sacrifice, shapeshifters, and cruelty) and the part of me that loves a good adventure (Prison Break was one of my favorite TV shows).


It is available for pre-order now through the launch date of October 1st. Support a local artist for $1 by buying it before it releases!! Then check out the other offerings at Three Ravens.

Three Ravens Publishing





Saturday, September 12, 2020

NextCon table September 19th


Come to my table next week and see my birthday present! Very thankful for my father-in-law who has encouraged me as a writer. For my birthday this week he blessed me with a working Underwood (his last name) typewriter!

 NextCon


I will have a table next week at our local conference promoting local authors. I am super excited to be meeting readers. I will have Jam Sessions for sale as well as a few copies of my short stories in various volumes. 

I started this writing journey almost two years ago. In that time I have met some great people locally. A local web designer who built the web page for Camp Vesper Point (I was a previous director) has given me some advice and encouraged me. He will be there selling his series and is a very accomplished author.


Keith Robinson's webpage


I also was blessed to meet a group of writers in the local area. I was with my son at Chattacon. He was looking at cosplay weapons for a future mandalorian costume. I started to chat with the "Crazy Buffet" group. They began meeting at Ryans before it shut down. Then they met at the japanese "Crazy Buffet." It also closed, but not before they published a short story anthology. When I joined they were meeting at Rib N Loin and I participated in "Crazy Buffet II: The BBQ Edition."


I will have some copies at NextCon. It will include my first published story. It is historical fiction, drawn from my time in Rwanda in the 1990's. I think it is a good piece with a hopeful ending even in the midst of a very difficult historical background.

My friend, Kelle, will be there too and you definitely want to check out her table! She may even have her mannequin!



At NextCon you will also see several of my friends who are part of northwest Georgia's Corner Scribblers. I am published in one of their flash fiction releases and will be in two upcoming releases: Napkin Notes and Bugged Out Babblings (see my other blog post)





Their partner company, Three Ravens Publishing has also picked up my novella: Twelve hours on the Block.  (This is a draft cover and may not be the final)




Finally, I go with the blessing of my family. Since I went home and told them I wanted to start this journey, they have been nothing but supportive. My wife gave me a trip to the Atlanta Writer's Conference this November so I can pitch three of my current unpublished works: a western dystopian (The Ranger Chronicles) , a middle grade fantasy (Freckles: The Dark Wizard), and a young adult twist on King Arthur (Lynchpin Universe: Book 1: The Were Bear."

They are my rock, my encouragers, my cheer team, and my joy. And, if I can say it, my youngest daughter makes one really great homemade birthday cake with my initials!







So, if you have read this far, please come visit Next Chapter Con. It is $7 at the door of the Colonade in Ringgold, GA. There will be a lot of local authors of all genres. It is a great time to encourage your family members to read and support local artists. There will be social distancing and all the appropriate Covid safety measure. If I am not at my table, then I am at one of the two panels they have asked me to participate in. Come see me at the panel or swing back a few minutes later and say hello. Hope to see you there!