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Wednesday, January 15, 2020

Cats, not robots, are our doom

Image result for cat as god

I think we all have intuitively known for a while that most cats are simiply biding their time before their usurpation of civilization.  They are haughty, arrogant, disease carrying animals that so many people love and adore.

Up till now, it has been speculation as to whether our world would end in flames of destruction as Arnold Schwarzenegger type robots took over or whether cats would eventually rise up and subdue all humanity as in any number of cartoon farces.

I still have an eye on the robots in my life and will be especially suspect if Walmart ever installs a robotic "Arnold Greeter."  But in regards to cats, there is no longer a debate.

A new study shows that people with cats are less likely to attend church.


Image result for cat as godThat's correct.  If you have cats, you have already begun to accept that there is no need for a higher power in your life.  The article even states that the research shows:

"We want to always win their affections and it bothers us when we think they might be somehow displeased with us."


The study reflects a strong "negative connection" between cat ownership and church attendance.  Further, the study resolves:

"So while they (the cats) are pretty low-maintenance, we end up serving them a lot. Cats are very godlike in those characteristics."

I've been to cat-people homes.  It goes something like this...

Me: You have cats?
Friend: "Oh, that one is Tabby.  She's a sweetheart." (picks up cat.  Cat claws her face.  Friend tosses cat to me)
Me: "She seems a little violent?" (I'm holding cat as it swipes it claws at mt eyes.  I know if I set it down it will open my guts and I will bleed out.  I must survive)
Image result for cat scratching human faceFriend: (taking cat who hisses) "Oh, she is just hungry."  (Friend looks at cat) "Who is a hungry little kitty?  Who needs some tuna?"
Cat: "Me.  Go get it."
Me: "Look at the time... I have to get to church..."
Cat: "I'm watching you.  You too shall one day bow before me."

You know I'm right.  Cats think they are gods.  In fact, the study concludes:

Professor Samuel Perry, from the University of Oklahoma, said cats could be seen as a "god substitute".

Just to reveal my own bias, I'm a dog person.  But I will certainly never admit it once cats truly come to power.  All hail her majesty Fifi!.

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