Can Fire Drills Save The President?

Image from: https://sourcemaking.com/antipatterns/fire-drill

So for those who don't know, I teach Middle School.  And one of my favorite things is the Fire Drill.  It is a chance to get up, go outside, and take a break from class.

 I'm less fond of the tornado drill where you have to go into a small enclosed space with 50 other people and crawl against the wall.

I did work at one school where they used the same warning bell for both fire and tornado drills.  That was very confusing.  Do I run into the tornado or go bury myself in the basement as the building is consumed by flames?  All the bell really told you was there was some sort of impending doom and you should either leave the building or never leave the building.  Unsurprisingly, that school did not succeed and is now closed.

But I digress.  The fire drill has it all.  Fresh air, sunshine (who would do a fire drill in the rain?), and some bonus time off of work.  You count your students then hold up a little green card.  There is always one student who chooses to go to the bathroom or his locker and holds everyone up.  Or maybe that is his way of giving back to his teachers?  Either way, what is suppose to take a few minutes often turns into a longer event.

For what it is worth, I believe fires can actually happen anywhere.  With that in mind, why don't we do fire drills other places?  Boring meeting? Fire Drill.  To many emails in the inbox and dozing off? Fire Drill.  Just got done hanging sheet rock and need a water break? Fire Drill.  About to be impeached? Fire Drill.



In fact, this could be the answer to the president's current problems.  As I understand it, the head administrator is the one who determines the need for a fire drill and assigns the time to do it.  So there you have it President Trump, another possible solution to ongoing troubles. 


Image from:
https://qz.com/919887/donald-trump-is-getting-unprecedented-free-media-coverage-including-a-record-800-million-in-earned-media-in-one-month/

Merica Made

Now don't get me wrong.  I'm pro-America.  I have been blessed and have traveled through much of the world.  I have been to several parts of Africa, the ex Soviet block, Western Europe (I even remember being there before the Euro!), South America, and a handful of islands.  I've loved the opportunities to help refugees, teach in a communist university, backpack Europe, build homes, visit pubs, and drink beverages with little umbrellas in them while basking on the beach.  But I always am thankful to return home.

And while I am not an extremist, I do look for "Made in America" products in my home country.  I purchase them when I can.  But when I say, "I look for Made in America products,"  I am referring to things like tools, t-shirts, cars, or perhaps farm equipment.  What I did not know until this week, is we are apparently now importing entire buildings from out of country!  

You see, I drive by a construction site daily.  It is what looks to be a 400-500 unit apartment complex.  I've watched them build it.  What I haven't seen until recently is the construction company's sign: 

Yes, that is right.  "made in the USA." It even has the flag to solidify the deal.  Now why would a construction company make such a statement?  And not only make it, but apart from their name and contact info it is the ONLY thing they want you to know about who they are.

There can be only one reason... other construction companies are secretly, probably under the cover of night, building entire buildings in Canada or Zimbabwe where materials and labor are cheaper.  Then they are barging these pre-built structures over, or perhaps they are tying them to large helicopters, or hot air balloons?  Yes, I think the hot air balloons make the most sense for the degree of stealth necessary.  Then, when you are not looking, they are swapping what you think is an American made building for the cheap, foreign imitation.

Be careful out there reader.  Maybe the very building you are in is nothing more than a flimsy knock-off.  You think just because you see construction workers at the site everyday, watch trucks with construction materials drive in, and see the building on American soil that the building is made here.  Be weary.  And look for the Made in America stamp to be sure.

In my research, I have found there is much debate regarding "made in America" and "Assembled in America."

I for one am now very suspicious.  But I am also an entrepreneur.  What other service fields have pure "American made" companies not yet entered?  Are our educators made in America?  What about my lawn service?  Are my local police force made in America or are they part of a vast conspiracy to outsource?  I know my bank is moving off shore as I now have to speak to computers with Middle Eastern accents.  

But enough complaining.  I'm considering getting into the game myself.  Some of you know I am licensed in Tennessee to perform weddings.  How does a couple know that their wedding ceremony is "Made in America?"  If this apartment complex construction is any indication, you can no longer rely on simple location.  The evolve company is right, we must make clear on all fronts our patriotism.

Just because you got married in a decorative barn in American countryside does not mean your marriage is on home soil.  So if you want to make sure your wedding is "Made in America" call me and I will ensure that I, the location, and all certifications are American Made.  After all, we can't be too sure and who wants to find out their nuptials were somehow outsourced to Uzbekistan? 

Peaches and used wood planks.

 
















So we all occasionally give in to the hype. For me it was this summer.  Imagine it.  It is Sunday in mid July in the south, I'm on my porch with a cold drink and a fan.  A few steps away I had access to a big screen tv, netflix, and a couch to nap on.

My wife says, "Wouldn't it be great to have some fresh peaches?"

Me: "I hate peaches."

My wife: "There is nothing like a really fresh peach.  You know the peach truck is coming today?"

Me: "Peach truck?"


My wife: "Oh, they make everyone stand on hot asphalt for hours, pull up in an eighteen wheeler with large boxes of peaches, you wait in line, pay exorbitant prices, and leave with 150 peaches... 148 more than we will ever eat...."

Me: "That sounds awesome!  I'm in!"

My Wife: "Ehhh... I'm taking a nap."

So there I went to the Georgia Peach Truck.
I was, I think, somewhere around 134th in line.

While waiting for the truck to arrive there was a flurry of activity.  One of the dogs on Paw Patrol was running around hugging children.  It was a good reminder that as miserable as we were standing in the large parking lot, it could be worse.  We could be in the parking lot in a large, furry dog costume being chased by toddlers.  

Then there were a bunch of vendors.  It probably should've been a warning to me as I looked over their wares.  You go to Disney World and they sell Mickey Mouse hats, you go to the beach and they sell sunscreen and surf boards, you go snow skiing in Colorado and they sell ski bibs, goggles, and marijuana.  At the Hixson, TN Peach Truck delivery... there were vendors selling... I'm not making this up.... Old Wood.



"Come and get it!  Old Wood! Below Market Prices!  Only $30 per stick!"

Another vendor had broken windows and broken door frames.  Another had "authentically weathered" street signs.  "These signs were outside!  That's why you can barely read what they say!"

One guy was just standing by the nearby dumpster and charging people to go dumpster diving.

I should've seen teh connection between the peach truck and used wood sellers... dumb customers... but I wa too into the hype at this point.

That is till the truck pulled up and began giving us the options.  A guy who looked like he belonged on the cover of a harlequin romance novel stood on the open rear door of the eighteen wheeler.

"Attention all!  These peaches are fresh! "  He holds one up, "This peach's name is Fred.  he was on a tree about three hours ago!"

We all oooed and awed.  Well, I think most of oooed over the peach but some ladies looked like they were about to stick $1 bills in the peach truck driver's levis.

So then he descends and other similar cut young men start handing out boxes.

Mr. Harlequin starts walking down the line.

"We have two deals!  A box for $80 or 2 boxes for $160! Cash only! No Checks, No Cards!" He then flexed his biceps.

"How many are in a box," I asked the lady in front of me.  She looked like a regular.

She stopped waving $1 bills at Mr. Harlequin: "Isn't he handsome!" she said...

"A regular Channing Tatum" I offered.
"How many peaches are in a box?"
 "Oh, .. there are like 40 in a box."

"I'm not a math genius, but that's like $2 a box?" I inquired.

Lady: "I know!  What a deal!"

I then realized she was holding a plank of wood with a $30 price tag on it.

The lady behind me was more reasonable.  She was prepared to buy two but really only wanted one and a half.  So I offered to go in with her.  She asked how many I wanted and I said two.

Her: "Two boxes?"

Me: "No. Two Peaches."

Her: "You can't do that."

I knew this but I was too deep now.  We negotiated I would buy 1/2 of a box for $40.  At the truck, I made the mistake of asking for an extra box.  I thought I had a moment to do this because the lady who had been in front of me was taking her picture with the shirtless 20-something worker.  But apparently questions were not allowable... only selfies...."Boxes cost money," the shirtless man said.  Make a decision."

So I gave the woman my $20 and helped her carry the two boxes to her car.  Well... I carried one box and another young farmhand carried the other.  I took the lid and placed fifteen or so peaches in it, thanked the lady, and headed to my truck.

On my way I was accosted by another member of the peach truck with the final sell.

Farm hand:  "You have a lot of peaches there!  Need a cookbook?  100 peach recipes?  Otherwise you'll have to throw them away."

Me: "No thank you.  I don't like peaches."

Farm hand taking a selfie with a lady who just ordered eight boxes:  "OK Sir.  Oh, by the way, you should know that these peaches are fresh.  You should put them on your counter for like 4 to 5 days before eating them."

That was the last we spoke as I got into my car and watched him be attacked by a lady with eight boxes, two used windows, a paw patrol picture, and something she bought from the dumpster.  I hope he made it out alive.  But at the peach truck, its every man for himself.

I took them home and dutifully laid them out on my counter.  Two days later I and my bride got on a plane to go on vacation.  She tried one before we left and announced that it was not ripe.  I chose not to try one because (1) I had been warned to wait the full 5 days and (2) I hate peaches.  And I have to admit, as one who doesn't like peaches, not eating that one may have been the best decision I could've made.


If you want to have the experience:
https://thepeachtruck.com/

Climate Justice, Jesus Camps, and Kids Named Isotope

All Pictures taken from https://apple.news/Aqk7nOxuORVySHDOYWk4pdQ

So the briefest description of the Big Bang theory I could find on the web goes like this:

Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state
Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started, wait
The earth began to cool, the autotrophs began to drool
Neanderthals developed tools
We built a wall (we built the pyramids)
Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries
That all started with the big bang! Hey!
Since the dawn of man is really not that long
As every galaxy was formed in less time than it takes to sing this song
A fraction of a second and the elements were made
The bipeds stood up straight, the dinosaurs all met their fate
They tried to leap but they were late
And they all died (they froze their asses off)
The oceans and Pangea, see ya wouldn't wanna be ya
Set in motion by the same big bang!
It all started with the big bang!
It's expanding ever outward but one day
It will cause the stars to go the other way
Collapsing ever inward, we won't be here, it won't be hurt
Our best and brightest figure that it'll make an even bigger bang!
Australopithecus would really have been sick of us
Debating how we're here, they're catching deer (we're catching viruses)
Religion or astronomy (Descartes or Deuteronomy)
It all started with the big bang!
Music and mythology, Einstein and astrology
It all started with the big bang!
It all started with the big bang!

Thanks Bare Naked Ladies. So as I understand it, our modern creation story is that we all started from some
Particle, it exploded, and after a lot of time my grandmother was here with a corncob pipe, a coal burning stove, 8oz bottled cokes, moth balls in her closet, and a King James Bible.

Now, I’m told that we are doomed. 

Apparently this is new news.  It was my understanding that this was the point of the Big Bang theory and evolution.  I have for a long time known I wasn't the "fittest."  I've had opportunity to see in person orca whales, cougars, lions, and even rabid possums.  All of them I am pretty sure could take me in a fight.

But it seems our society has been alerted to the fact that unless we seek "climate justice" we are all doomed.  In the fascinating article at  https://apple.news/Aqk7nOxuORVySHDOYWk4pdQ we hear from several teens:

 "I'm afraid of missing out on natural land and seeing our land filled with landfill."

"Everything.  I'm only 17, I haven't lived. It's scary."

Erin is afraid most of losing "My family and Hawaii."

And perhaps the one I most resonated with: "My family, my forest, my land - therefore I will lose my life.  We have to resist to exist."

It is good to know the young person named Avery has already been economically successful enough to own her own forest.  

But I am afraid she and others have forgotten the half the story where everything that exploded contracts and we all die.



But I understand that our goal in these "climate strikes" is not necessarily to avoid doom. Rather it is a desire to change our lifestyle so we can be a little less doomed. I mean, it’s that or master intergalactic space travel and find a new planet where dinosaurs were kind enough to die in lava pits... or in ice... or by being hit by meteors... I forget.

And let me say for the record that I'm not against preserving our planet.  But I am worried about the method.

So here is my point. As a kid I was always told to be weary of religious people. They take you to youth rallies and camps and indoctrinate you with their peculiar religious beliefs by using fear tactics. Such people should be avoided at all costs, even if they have candy in their van.

Well, this week I saw in our modern day religion of agnosticism, atheism, humanism, camefromanapeism, or other sister groups a massive rally (and sometimes camp depending on the location) to indoctrinate children by fear.

They held a rally and told kids they were dying because the tenants of their faith tell us we are not faithful to the doctrine of recycling, the abstinence of gas engines, plastic, and because your mother uses too much  aqua net hairspray. They must leave their parent’s evil ways and follow the ways of the church of Climate Justice.



Of course, grandma sent me to Vacation Bible School where I learned from felt stickers cut out in the shape of Jesus that I was a sinner and in big trouble.  But my grand-mom ("granny" to us) also told me that if I loved Jesus I could go to heaven and it would all be okay.  There was doom, but also hope.  And there were also  ice cold bottled cokes, some homemade cookies, and some Mac n cheese she made on her coal burning stove.

Today I was told my only hope is to “de-progress," and if I and everyone else does it then maybe,  just maybe, my grandkids can come to my house and enjoy some rice cakes and chemically treated water with some sort of gluten free kale snack.  

To those weary of "climate justice," be aware they are using the same camp and rally tricks on the youth they once condemned the church for using.  For those of you who are all on board, let me give you some next-steps advice.  

Church people also indoctrinated their children by giving them names.  These names reflected their values and were another encouragement to the child to follow the guardian's beliefs.  Names like "Faith," "Hope," "Grace," or "Joy" can be found in schools across the country.  And more subtle names from the Bible like "Matthew," "Isaac," "Paul," or maybe "Malachi."

Perhaps it is time for those climate justice activists to start naming their children?  "Come here my little Isotope."  "Isn't Recycle so cute?"  "Can you believe Ozone is already two?"

Saturday Night Lights

There is a magic you forget about when you age.  That moment when the whole world shrinks to the what is directly around you.  When nothing seems to matter except what your leader has to say.  You look around and you see your friends, your peers, and your adult leaders.

In that moment you have it all.  

Maybe for you it was a sport.  Maybe it was the scouts, an academic club, a church youth group, or if it was a tad later a fraternity or sorority.  For my son last week, it was the band.  They had an exhibition (a competition without trophies so to speak).

He and 150+ of his school peers worked all day on a performance they have already logged a month of the summer and two months of afternoons working on.  




We talk about kids today not wanting to work, not wanting to be outside, not willing to commit to anything, not being respectful, etc... Well, there are 150 + band and color guard students who sat in a parking lot at 9:30pm after 12 hours of working outside in the hottest fall on record.  They had a two hour bus ride home and another hour of unpacking the four buses and four, yes four, penske trucks full of equipment.  And I did not see a one of them who wanted to be anywhere else.


I am thankful for their band director.  He is truly someone who isn't complaining about the rising generation, but building that generation into men and women who can succeed.

I think of the line in the Karate Kid, 

"Man who can catch a fly with a chopstick can do anything."  

Well, the man who can carry a tuba (ok... a contra...) all day in the hot sun and not forget his music or field marching locations can do anything.  

I hope you had your Saturday Night Lights.  I hope you had your moment around the bus with your coach, teacher, youth pastor, scoutmaster, or some variation.  And I hope you are helping to provide such an opportunity for the next generation.  

Landmark Court Case Could Change Everything

Landmark court cases.  You know the ones I'm talking about. 

1893 Nix v Hedden deciding once for all that the Tomato is a vegetable, not a fruit.

1946 The United States vs Causby clarifying that if a government plane flies over your house and causes your chickens to commit suicide the government is not responsible to buy you new chickens.



1954 Brown v Board of Education stating segregation is illegal.

1972 Yoder v Wisconsin where the Supreme Court decided that if you were drab clothing, ride in horse drawn carriages,  and make wood furniture you don't have to educate your children past 8th grade.

1973 Roe v. Wade regarding a woman's right to have an abortion.  It is also a great testimony to due process as the decision came three years after it was filed... Roe's baby had already made it past the terrible twos at that point.

1993 Church of the Lukumi Babalu Aye, Inc. v. Hialeah determining you can not sacrifice animals without eating them also.  This really can be a set back to new cult groups trying to edge into the American market.



These cases not only cemented important political precedent, but they also changed our daily lives.  And today, my friends, I heard of a new one on the horizon.  

2019 Prisk v Brown

In this lawsuit, Dr. Victor Prisk is suing Antonio "I keep getting in trouble but I play for the Patriots so it is okay" Brown.  The lawsuit claims an unpaid debt of $11,000.... boring.... 

The game changer is the additional filing (yes, actually filed as part of the court case) that Antonio Brown repeatedly farted in Dr. Prisk's face.  Dr. Prisk was administering an exam on Brown and was unable to evacuate the premise.

There is incontrovertible evidence as Antonio had a friend film the escapade.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YiIVBt5oEz8#action=share

https://larrybrownsports.com/football/video-of-antonio-brown-farting-in-front-of-doctor-surfaces/514307

The question is, of course, whether the court will decide in favor of Dr. Prisk.  If they do, this will be a game changer for American Law.  How many of us are trapped in cubicles, work rooms, on job sites, in cars, airplanes, and other closed air systems with perpetrators of flatulents.  We sufferers who have hid our nose in the thin layer of cotton our shirt provides, set down our lunch never to eat it again, or in panic have waved our hand in front of our face only creating a vortex of odor.  We must be unite and strike back at those who would have us beaten down by their gas.

I will be watching this case closely.  I for one am a teacher and must not leave my classroom while students are in attendence.  Thus, I might be entitled to a wonderful tort settlement should America decided farting in front of a captive audience is a crime.

Some free reading:

https://pittsburgh.cbslocal.com/2019/09/16/pittsburgh-doctor-claims-antonio-brown-repeatedly-farted-in-his-face-owes-him-11500/

https://nypost.com/2019/09/16/antonio-brown-allegedly-farted-in-his-doctors-face/

Moonshine Marketing at the Mercedes Dealership

Taken from: (and includes a great Wall Street Journal exert)
https://olesmoky.com/blogs/news/the-wall-street-journal-even-moonshine-is-going-upscale-with-funky-flavors-and-tasting-sessions

So recently I had the opportunity to visit the Smoky Mountains. The newest and "bestest" attraction seems not to be go-carts or a Dolly Parton themed ride but moonshine testing stores.  

The idea is simple. You enter and sign a waiver. Then you are given samples of moonshine. They start with things like “Original"  and "Cinnamon."  Then they move on to more exoticc flavors like "bubblegum,” “candy apple,” or “”Pickle.” Pickle is "the real dill" and comes with actual pickles.  Our group went wile when we heard this.  Many were about to pass out with joy... or intoxication... when we learned one was called "carrot cake."

"I love carrot cake and moonshine!   I can get those together!"

Then the host rolls out a three minute rally on patriotism.  "We are about to try "Old Red, White, and Blue!  That's right!  Moonshine to celebrate your freedom!  Freedom for what?  That's right! To drink more Shine!!  Whose in?"



After five or six samples the visitor doesn’t really care about the names or subtle nuances anymore. 

“This next one," the pretty girl behind the counter says raising a bottle of shine to fill taster's shot glasses,  "we call “raccoon in a trash can”

“Yes please!”

“Then we have a new one we are trying!  We call ‘diesel fuel and armpit hair.”

“I’ll buy the whole case!” someone will shout.  It is more than just a shine tasting.  We have formed a community of shine lovers.  We love our country, our momma, our hostess, our neighbors, and above all, our Shine!  

Overall, it was a happy place to visit. The staff seem to enjoy their job selling moonshine to drunk people and the drunk people seem to appreciate being extorted.

No surprise, the more you sample, the more you buy.  But here is where I had an “ah-ha” moment!  On our way out, perhaps with a patriotic tear and four pints of Freedom Shine or maybe with a warm heart and a pint of Grandma's Apple Pie Shine, we walk directly through the store. Not the moonshine store, but just a regular souvenir store.

Those of us who didn’t partake or stopped at flavors like “strawberry” or “apple cider” were able to run the gauntlet with ease.  However, those carrying 5 pints of “morning dog breath” were goners.

And I have to ask myself, is this legal? Because if it is I think other marketing agencies ought to jump on board. "Whiskey tasting this Saturday at the Mercedes’s Benz dealership. Free whiskey samples in our showroom!  Easy financing!"  A realtor could have a “show of homes that won’t sell and free beer tasting.”  Or maybe even the big chains could offer you a free vodka shot before perusing the electronics aisle?   Of course, it would mean a surge in the need for uber drivers and many might wonder how to fit their new 120" tv into their convertible Mercedes.  But at least they will have a new fixer-upper to go home to.  The possibilities are limitless.